When Mourning Comes

I have lived in my college town for going on five years this year. Four of those years were spent as a student and this last one as just a post-graduate adult trying to find a place in the working world of America. This place has become my home, not because of the college exclusively, but because of the tiny campus ministry here called Campus Christian Fellowship (CCF). This ministry was my home for all four years of college and even today as I write this post. It has deeply affected my person, my spirit, and my faith.

When I came here back in the fall of 2019, I was a shy kid who knew too much about faith for his own good. I wanted everyone to know that the way I saw faith was the correct way but I was never going to be confident enough to do that. And I certainly never would doubt that God would exist, that would be preposterous and unfaithful. I was all the things God didn't want me to be. I was arrogant and prideful. I was dishonest about my doubts and fears with everyone. But I was mostly dishonest with myself. God was going to have His way though.

I was forced to ask questions I did not want to ask at the time. What did I actually believe about the Bible? What did I actually think about God? Was I living the way Jesus really wanted me to? Was there love in my heart or was I more like the prophet Elijah, needing to be right?

God had His way with me over the years. I became more comfortable not knowing answers. I became more confident that God would have His way in the world without me needing to interfere. I started loving people the way Jesus would have wanted. I became a leader in CCF for five semesters in a row with different positions. I have preached sermons, hosted events, lead small groups, and brought people into the community that changed my life and allowed them the chance to have that same experience. I graduated college and told myself I would stick around for one more year because I felt this tug from God that something was not yet finished here. I felt if I stayed, God was saying it could be really good. So I did. I stuck around with the ministry and it has been just as good as promised.

Now it is March at the time of writing, and I can feel a dread inside of me that is deep. It's not really that close to the end of my time here but I can see the finish line. When May rolls around and summer comes, I'll be moving into Independence. This city near Kansas City is beautiful and will be my home for the foreseeable future. I am excited for all the new life and opportunity that God will breathe into this new place.

And I don't want it to come.

I don't want to leave this place that has become home and my soul has become so intricately woven into. My heart is getting heavier thinking about it and pushing it out simply has not worked as per usual. I know I cannot be in Kirksville with CCF forever and yet I long to be. I long to do something new in Independence and yet am angry that this place will be taking me from my home, knowing it cannot be any other way. I am happy and angry and I ask God "What on earth is this feeling that is so complex?" And the answer is too simple. It's grief.

I have lived a very lucky and, perhaps, even privileged life where I have not had to experience grief more than a couple of times. This is hard to experience, because it also has not happened yet. I have not left yet so what is there to grieve? A friend from CCF, Hannah, shared her testorimony with our fellowship around a year ago talking about this idea of anticipatory grief. For some context, testorimonies are a word combination of testimony and story, where students get up and share how God has worked in their lives in this story telling kind of way. She told her testorimony and gave words to this experience that does not make much sense. I am grieving the change that is coming. And I am not letting people into that space and holding them at arms length. I suppose that could end up being the hardest part, is letting people into the ugliness of grief. But Hannah made a point that by not dealing with it, it became bitterness and bitterness does not stay inside. It simply leaks into everything. I have been feeling that bitterness too and it leaking into other parts of my life. I'm realizing I cannot let that continue.

So, here is my start to letting people in. You all reading this get to know exactly where I am at. I will start letting people in my real life into this and discussing how I feel about grief and the impending change. I encourage you all to be there for someone grieving and to find someone if you are. God is there in the grief and in the people that will be there with you. Praise be for that.

Lord God, King of the Universe, thank you for being there in the grief and loving us in the ugliness.

Shane Hawkins

Hannah's Testorimony

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6K2lgDvh6nMbKDjPIjuU8A?si=2_cIa3KBQHK32dA4nS_NPA